


Sitting All Alone in the Dark

by AlyssHart



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast/Essik Theylas (Alluded To), Character Study, Essik Theylas (Mentioned), Fjord/Jester Lavorre (Alluded To), Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jester Lavorre (Mentioned) - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 04:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssHart/pseuds/AlyssHart
Summary: "When you find someone better, please just let me down gently."One Thought. Two Thinkers. Their Aftermath.





	1. Caleb

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "Sick of Losing Soulmates" by Dodie.

It's months before the doubt sets in.

In those months Caleb can almost convince himself that everything is okay. The he had finally found a good thing that he is worthy of. That him and Fjord are _good_ together.

The Caleb meets Jester Lavorre. 

Jester is... everything that Caleb isn't. She is personable and outwardly charming. Her antics are adorable, and she sees the world like it hasn't burnt down everything she wanted from the future and scattered the remains. 

Caleb also sees how much Jester adores Fjord. How whenever he's in the room she practically flutters to his side, and hangs on his every word. Her face an upturned sunflower to the sun. 

It reminds him of the time before they started dating. How it took Beau pretty much physically forcing them together after watching Caleb moon over the other for "too fucking long, man". How even then they danced around each other like a couple of teenagers, and touched each other like they would break if their fingers lingered for too long. 

It makes Caleb sick with jealousy, but at the same time he knows they just... _fit_.

They fit in a way that Caleb never could with Fjord. With his sharp edges and fractured lines that are probably held up by molasses and sheer will. It's only a matter of time before the careful composure shatters, and Fjord is damaged in the fallout. That everything he loves will turn to ash in his mouth if he stays around Caleb too long. 

Which is why Caleb is waiting for Fjord to realize that. 

Which is why Caleb is waiting for the day Fjord walks out of his life, and taking all the color with him. 

It is justified. It is what Caleb deserves after... everything. 

Though Caleb is selfish, and he will hold onto what he can until that time. He won't be the one to walk bravely out the door one day. He is too much of a coward to release this affection. 

This love. 

He'll wait knowing that Fjord deserves better. 

He'll wait knowing that he's only delaying the ravaging of his own heart. 

That Fjord deserves the world, and all Caleb will ever be able to give him is a dark room in an inn that their finances are barely covering. 

He doesn't tell this to Fjord. 

Not until late at night when, in their shared bed, when Caleb can hear the slowed even breathing of sleep. When he himself slowly feels the feeling of sinking into unconsciousness. 

" _Mein Leben_ ," his voice barely a whisper in their quiet room, "You deserve so much better. When you find them my only request is that you let me down gently." 

Caleb wraps himself around Fjord as he falls asleep like it will somehow keep them together. Gone do fast that he doesn't notice the hitched breath, or the way Fjord tucks his head into Caleb's arms in the only assurance he could give in that moment without confronting it directly.


	2. Fjord

Fjord takes longer than a few months.

He'd always been told he was a little slower on the uptake when it came to emotions, and, truth be told, he was happier to live the lie. Just like the borrowed accent he'd take the borrowed time he had with his wizard. 

It was... easier in the Empire. Only Fjord doesn't realize until after they've left it.

I was easier to pretend that the reason people treated Fjord like he didn't deserve the charming clever wizard with his quick wit and nimble fingers was that he was a monster. Even if he was only half orc it was enough for everyone else. 

Caleb wasn't the only exception, wasn't the only one to "approve" of him, but it was different. That whatever Fjord's decisions were, in regards to what he looked like or who's voice came out of his mouth, Caleb would always have the same opinion of him. 

It was when they crossed over into Xhorhas that everything started to change. 

Suddenly... Fjord wasn't looked at like he was foreign creature that was only playacting at being civilized. 

Suddenly... they were "Heroes of the Dynasty". 

Then Fjord was forced to deal with the fact that, even when Caleb was a human in a country of "other", he was still not good enough for Caleb. 

It was only a matter of time before they all realized that Fjord was losing his powers, and he was waiting for the moment that he'd be asked to leave the group, leave Caleb's life. Fjord was only ever worth what he had to give, and that was starting to dwindle down to nothing. 

He would be the nothing that he was before. Living in the shadow of a man he wasn't sure he ever knew. 

Too weak. Too powerless. 

Too... nothing like Essik Theylas. 

The Shadowhand of The Bright Queen that managed to make Caleb excited in a way Fjord never could. The wunderkind wizard of the Kryn Empire that was going nowhere but up. 

Essik was Caleb's equal. Someone who could stand at his side, and keep up every step of the way. 

Soon even Caleb would have to agree. That Essik would be able to engage him on a level that was well beyond Fjord's understanding. 

That he deserved something more than a simple sailor who had nothing to his name that wasn't taken from someone else. 

Borrowed magic. Borrowed voice. Borrowed time. 

Caleb would want to fly where Fjord couldn't even dream of walking, and he'd let him go.  
No matter what praise was heaped upon Fjord, with his little tricks and little else, he couldn't hope to give Caleb more. 

He would give him right now though. 

Fjord would give him his magic, while it lasted, and his word, for whatever that was worth. He'd give them as easy as he gave his blood; his heart. 

He'd give Caleb whatever moments they had left without saying a word. 

And he did. 

Fjord held his tongue up a mountain and back again. Through a murder plot. Through so much only to let it betray him at an emptying tavern table. 

The Nein had made a valiant effort to introduce the concept of "The Hour of Honor" to Rosohna, and in the aftermath somehow Fjord and Caleb has been left there while their friends stumbled off home. With Caleb was still trying, and failing, to explain to Fjord the theory behind Dunamancy. Blue eyes practically sparkling as he fiddled with drink stirrers and a piece of charcoal. 

He was... _beautiful_. 

He was every good thing that Fjord never deserved.

"When you find something better than me break it to me gently darling," Fjord only half-realizing the words were coming out of his mouth as he clumsily traced a finger along Caleb's lips. 

The alcohol made everything fuzzy in a way he wouldn't remember the next morning, and the shock on Caleb's face didn't quite register as Fjord leaned into him. The vague attempt at more words muffled into his shirt when an arm wrapped around him to keep him steady.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You ever realize that it's easier to get in the head of one character than the other? 
> 
> As always the Widofjord Discord is helping fuel this little monster, but your comments provide me endless validation. 
> 
> Next Chapter... Well, it'll be something!

**Author's Note:**

> This mini-fic is dedicated to the Widofjord Discord who made this possible. 
> 
> There will be two chapters to go. One from Fjord's perspective, and then a epilogue to justify the "Comfort" part of Hurt & Comfort. 
> 
> The rating may or may not be changed with the final chapter, but tags will be added for Chapter Two.


End file.
